Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Underneath It All

My prayer life is nothing like it used to be. Whether that’s a function of our move and a total change in community or some move in my own spirit to a place of wilderness, the fact is I pray way less now than I used to. Sometimes I miss God, or miss the intensity of how I used to pray. I was sure of God listening and sure of him speaking to me. That was a green and growing time, one that I miss in the long dark dull of winter that I seem to be in now.

But today I am reminded that though all the world is covered with snow, there is still a certainty: I know where the ground is. And underneath it all is God. No matter if I pray for hours, minutes, or seconds. Underneath it all is God and his love for me goes on and his reaching to me does not depend on the duration or quality of my reaching to him.

Underneath it all is God and in the absence of so much else, I see in the endless blanket of white that there are dips and ridges and a thousand tiny intricacies. Though my mouth is silent, I could spend a lifetime uncovering the mysteries of one square foot of snow, running my hands along each gully and listening for the almost imperceptible sound of my hand brushing across. I thought because I had words to name that endless white of snow, I understood it. But in the silence there is so much mystery. And what surprises me most is there is also so much certainty: underneath it all is God. This much I know. Underneath it all is God.


Mike Ferber said...

Sometimes I also try to measure my spiritual life through quantitative means. Have I prayed enough? Have I memorized enough Scripture? Have I fasted recently? How much disobedience is characterizing my life? Am I better than I was on that mountain? Or, am I worse than I was in that last valley?

I am a terrible evaluator of my own spirituality. If I give myself an A then I instantly lose my holy position in pride. If I go lower then I sell God short in what He has actually been doing in and through my life. I would prefer to sit down with Him for a quarterly performance review, but I guess that will have to wait until the very end. Until then, I guess we all just have to prayerlessly or prayerfully rest in His always available grace.

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